How to know if a person is trustworthy

I have the pleasure of supporting women as they process trauma. These women are courageous, resilient, intelligent, and capable. I consider myself lucky to be in their presence. Let’s look at one of the main struggles they tend to face as they work towards a more empowered way of being.

Simply put, these women struggle to know who they can trust. They have often been criticized over and over by parents, siblings, romantic partners, bosses, “friends,” and more. Their perspectives and emotions have been discounted. If they do speak up and advocate for themselves, it’s often met with rage, gaslighting, or indifference rather than tenderness, remorse, or accountability. It’s no wonder they’re confused after being repeatedly mistreated in these ways. Of course they’re unfamiliar with their own instincts. It makes sense they’d have a weakened ability to decipher who is and is not worthy of their trust.

Something I introduce with these clients early on is Brene Brown’s tool, BRAVING. I find it to be a super simple, clear way we can look at the interactions with the people around us and really consider—is this person worthy of my trust?

Introducing, BRAVING.

Boundaries. Does this person honor my boundaries? If I say “no,” is it respected, or do they push back? Do they try to negotiate? Do they ignore me completely? Do they mock me? If they verbally accept my boundary, do their actions demonstrate respect also?

Trustworthy: You tell your partner you need to go to bed early. After watching one episode of your favorite show together, they say goodnight, and let you sleep.
Untrustworthy: They pressure you to stay up longer or guilt you for not spending more time with them.

Reliable. Can I count on this person to do what they say they will do? Do they say they’ll do something but then fail to follow through? If they are the one responsible for completing a task, do I worry it won’t get done? Do they know their own limitations and resist the trap of overcommitting?

Trustworthy: Your partner says they'll fill the car with gas—and they do.
Untrustworthy: A coworker agrees to confirm a deadline but forgets, leaving you unprepared.

Accountable. If and when this person makes a mistake, are they able to apologize? Can they do it with sincerity? Furthermore, are they able to take steps to make repairs?

Trustworthy: Your sibling hurts your feelings with a joke and says, “I’m really sorry. I won’t say that again.”
Untrustworthy: They roll their eyes and say, “You’re being too sensitive.”

Vault. Does this person respect your privacy? Do they keep your secrets? Can you count on them to keep the details you share between the two of you?

Trustworthy: A friend listens to your personal story and keeps it private.
Untrustworthy: A family member shares someone else's divorce details over the phone.

Integrity. Does this person consistently do what they feel is right even when nobody else is around or there is no external reward? Do they have a clear idea of their own values? Do they act with integrity even if it’s the less convenient option?

Trustworthy: Your boss holds themselves to the same standards they expect from the team.
Untrustworthy: They demand transparency from others but cut corners on their own reporting.

Non-judgmental. Can I express my needs without fear? Do I feel accepted? Do I feel safe sharing my emotions honestly?

Trustworthy: You share that parenting feels overwhelming, and your friend says, “That makes sense and is totally valid. You deserve a break. I’m glad you’re here”
Untrustworthy: Another friend says, “Well, you chose to have kids. What did you expect?”

Generous. Does this person give me the benefit of the doubt? Have I seen them intentionally acknowledge positive things in others? Are they able to consider the best case scenario and give people a fair chance in various contexts?

Trustworthy: You miss the dishes due to a migraine. Your partner assumes something must be wrong and checks in.
Untrustworthy: They get annoyed, do the task angrily, or silently build resentment.

BRAVING won’t fit every situation perfectly, but it’s a powerful tool for noticing who has truly earned your trust. If you find trust is lacking, it may be time to revisit your boundaries. More on that here and here.